Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Ordinary Miracle

Wow, it's been 6 months since I've last written anything on this blog. I'm happy to report that I've had a very successful pregnancy and am now just over 37 weeks with my twins. In less than a week I will likely be induced and I'll finally get to meet my babies... the end of a very long journey and the beginning of an even longer one.

I have to admit that infertility hasn't been on my mind that much since I've been in this new place. But I don't want to forget about it and where we came from. In cleaning out my emails yesterday I came across several updates I would send family and close friends and it reminded me of the many challenges and disappointments we faced in our two years of trying to get pregnant. I don't want to forget the many who are still struggling but also want to celebrate those who have had success through treatment or adoption. It can be such a long road for many.

At the risk of being cheesey, this song was playing in my clinic one day during a procedure that led to our BFP. It got me a little teary at the time. Conception is definitely an ordinary miracle... one that happens all the time, whether by accident or after years of trying, but it is always a miracle. I can't wait to meet mine!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

What Was Different

We'll never really know why we ended up conceiving on this try rather than the many others before it, but I do know that I did some thigs differently...

- Because of cysts I took several months off from treatment and with time, was able to get back to a good place emotionally.

- I started doing yoga to help relax and deal with stress.

- My husband and I went on a wonderful vacation right before this cycle, where we reconnected with friends and spent lots of quality time with each other. I hardly thought about infertility at all.

- I did 2 months of acupuncture treatment leading up to and during treatment. I went to a naturopath who specializes in infertility.

- I did 2 months of chiropractic treatment to work on my lower back and make sure everything was open and working.

- I had more than 2 follicles/eggs which naturally increased my chances.

- I was very relaxed, thanks to a friend's visualization techniques, right before and during my procedure. I made sure to stay positive.

In the end, my BFP was still a complete shock. I felt exactly like I usually do when my period is about to come. I thought for sure I would "just know" I was pregnant but it wasn't that way. I think the most important thing was that I took care of myself and did everything I could to be in the best place emotionally and physically when I started treatment again. Being forced to take time off treatment is one of the most frustrating things, but once I accepted it, I used it for good. Who knows if I'd be where I am today without it!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

A New Road

This blog has been about my journey to a BFP. I am happy to announce that on Thanksgiving Day, I found out that I was pregnant. I've now successfully made it through my first trimester. I'm 13 weeks, 4 days, and ready to tell the world! The second half of my news is that we are expecting twins!! After over 2 years of trying, we've been blessed with 2, and I couldn't be happier!

The last few months I haven't felt up to blogging, but hope to get back at it as I'm in a new phase now. I still plan to keep my journey with infertility, private, but this is also a great place to continue to share my thoughts with those of you in the loop... if I still have any readers after almost 2 months off!

This is all still very hard to believe, but I am incredibly thankful that I finally got my BFP!!!!

Sunday, October 25, 2009


Something you get good at, or at least have to face when trying to get pregnant, is waiting. Waiting to ovulate, waiting for your period to arrive, waiting to get referred to a specialist, waiting for appointments, waiting for results of tests, waiting for surgery, waiting to recovery, waiting for follicles to grow and ultimately waiting for the day when you finally get your BFP. It's hard to be patient, but one thing I've learned and think I've done well at, is to continue to live my life in the waiting. We've been at this for 2 years and I don't want to look back and feel like I wasted those years waiting for something that wasn't happening. So we've tried to live life as normally as possible. Although we were hoping to have a child by now, I like to think of it as bonus time alone with my husband. We happen to like hanging out with each other!

Waiting is hard and can get frustrating. I currently have a bunch of cysts I'm waiting to go away. But luckily I've gotten good at this. I think I'm a pretty patient person. Hopefully that transfers over to parenthood someday!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I'm sitting here in tears. I've just learned that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day to remember the loss of little ones, whether they were born or not. To learn more about it, click here. These lives are honoured by lighting a candle at 7pm for an hour. I just lit mine now. I have know several friends who have lost babies through miscarriage, sometimes multiple times. This is not something I've been through but can only imagine how devestating it would be. When I finally get my BFP I don't know what I would do if that happened. But one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and often families grieve in silence. For every one of my friends' stories I know about, I'm sure I there are many more that I don't know about. I went on Youtube to try out more about it, and ended up finding tribute videos people had made for their babies, many who passed away shortly after birth. How devestating. I found myself crying for people I have never met. Tonight I light a candle in honour of the babies who have been lost to several friends. I admire your strength and courage to deal with such a difficult loss.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I'm Tired

I've been doing really well at staying positive and holding myself together the past several weeks. Then last night, I crumbled. My poor husband thought he was about to go to bed, but instead he got a wife who needed to vent and let a few (or many!) tears out. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of watching everyone else around me get what I've wanted for years. I'm tired of trying to be strong and positive. I'm tired of blood tests, injections and ultrasounds. I'm tired of month after month of disappointment. I'm tired of crying. There, I've said it. This sucks. I'm ready for something else.

One of the hardest parts of infertility is that I don't get a break from it. My closest friend at work is 7 months pregnant and pregnancies of friends seemed to be announced weekly. When it's not someone else, it's either 2 weeks of treatment and monitoring where my body could change at a moment's notice, or 2 weeks of waiting where I'm analyzing every twinge and possible symptom. I think, "Just don't think about it and it will happen" is definitely the worst advice. It really is impossible. This does not define me, but it's huge part of my life that I can't escape.

There are no guarantees that at the end of this, I will be pregnant and carry a baby to term. No one has promised me that. If someone could tell me that in 3 months, or 6 months or even another year that this would work it would be a lot easier to persevere. But I don't know that and sometimes I feel like I really can't do this for much longer. There will be better days...I've had many lately. But mixed up in between are some pretty crappy ones. It's just part of the journey I'm on I guess.

Monday, September 28, 2009

A Day At The Clinic

For many of you experiencing infertility, this is old news. I thought I'd share what a typical visit to my fertility clinic is like during cycle monitoring...

- The clinic opens at 7am and I like to be there by 6:50am to make sure I'm the first there
- The first step is to get blood taken... pretty standard stuff.
- Then it's off to ultrasound. There is a wonderful receptionist at my clinic who often lets me sneak in first even if my appointment time is later. Getting to work on time is a huge potential stress for me and this really helps. The ultrasound is the not-so-fun internal kind and can take anywhere from 2 to 20 minutes depending on what's happening inside. The goal of fertility drugs is to produce more follicles (eggs) to increase chances, so the ultrasound is to measure the quantity and size of follicles as well as how thick the lining of your uterus is. It always amazes me that they can track these things so closely.
- After that you wait for a nurse who will review your progress and then wait for a doctor who essentially does the same. They also make decisions based on bloodwork. I'll often get a phone call later in the day when my results are in with doctors orders to change my dose of drugs for the night.

I have a love/hate relationship with my clinic. It is large and many women are herded through each day. There is a different doctor on call each day so various people are making decisions on your protocol. I only ever see my specialist at specific appointments. Each doctor is different with a slightly different philosophy and of course, they make mistakes. I have to remember they are human. The good thing in my specialist often calls in to check in on her patients and ultimately makes the decisions when she can. It is comforting to see so many other women struggling to get pregnant and sometimes I see someone who makes me feel young... it's amazing who's trying to have a baby out there. My naturopath told me she just helped a 48 year-old woman conceive.

It's very draining to have to go in day after day. Some days are discouraging... too many follicles, too few follicles, follicles that aren't growing, follicles that have turned into cysts, cancelled treatment because things aren't going well. You can go in expecting one thing and find out that in only 24 hours, your body has done something completely different. It's hard to wake up early only to start your day with needles and wands that feel quite invasive. But overall, I am very thankful for a great clinic with doctors who know what they're doing. It's not perfect but I know without the treatment I'd be at a dead end.