I've been doing really well at staying positive and holding myself together the past several weeks. Then last night, I crumbled. My poor husband thought he was about to go to bed, but instead he got a wife who needed to vent and let a few (or many!) tears out. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of watching everyone else around me get what I've wanted for years. I'm tired of trying to be strong and positive. I'm tired of blood tests, injections and ultrasounds. I'm tired of month after month of disappointment. I'm tired of crying. There, I've said it. This sucks. I'm ready for something else.
One of the hardest parts of infertility is that I don't get a break from it. My closest friend at work is 7 months pregnant and pregnancies of friends seemed to be announced weekly. When it's not someone else, it's either 2 weeks of treatment and monitoring where my body could change at a moment's notice, or 2 weeks of waiting where I'm analyzing every twinge and possible symptom. I think, "Just don't think about it and it will happen" is definitely the worst advice. It really is impossible. This does not define me, but it's huge part of my life that I can't escape.
There are no guarantees that at the end of this, I will be pregnant and carry a baby to term. No one has promised me that. If someone could tell me that in 3 months, or 6 months or even another year that this would work it would be a lot easier to persevere. But I don't know that and sometimes I feel like I really can't do this for much longer. There will be better days...I've had many lately. But mixed up in between are some pretty crappy ones. It's just part of the journey I'm on I guess.