Waiting

Something you get good at, or at least have to face when trying to get pregnant, is waiting. Waiting to ovulate, waiting for your period to arrive, waiting to get referred to a specialist, waiting for appointments, waiting for results of tests, waiting for surgery, waiting to recovery, waiting for follicles to grow and ultimately waiting for the day when you finally get your BFP. It's hard to be patient, but one thing I've learned and think I've done well at, is to continue to live my life in the waiting. We've been at this for 2 years and I don't want to look back and feel like I wasted those years waiting for something that wasn't happening. So we've tried to live life as normally as possible. Although we were hoping to have a child by now, I like to think of it as bonus time alone with my husband. We happen to like hanging out with each other!

Waiting is hard and can get frustrating. I currently have a bunch of cysts I'm waiting to go away. But luckily I've gotten good at this. I think I'm a pretty patient person. Hopefully that transfers over to parenthood someday!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I'm sitting here in tears. I've just learned that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day to remember the loss of little ones, whether they were born or not. To learn more about it, click here. These lives are honoured by lighting a candle at 7pm for an hour. I just lit mine now. I have know several friends who have lost babies through miscarriage, sometimes multiple times. This is not something I've been through but can only imagine how devestating it would be. When I finally get my BFP I don't know what I would do if that happened. But one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and often families grieve in silence. For every one of my friends' stories I know about, I'm sure I there are many more that I don't know about. I went on Youtube to try out more about it, and ended up finding tribute videos people had made for their babies, many who passed away shortly after birth. How devestating. I found myself crying for people I have never met. Tonight I light a candle in honour of the babies who have been lost to several friends. I admire your strength and courage to deal with such a difficult loss.

I'm Tired

I've been doing really well at staying positive and holding myself together the past several weeks. Then last night, I crumbled. My poor husband thought he was about to go to bed, but instead he got a wife who needed to vent and let a few (or many!) tears out. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of watching everyone else around me get what I've wanted for years. I'm tired of trying to be strong and positive. I'm tired of blood tests, injections and ultrasounds. I'm tired of month after month of disappointment. I'm tired of crying. There, I've said it. This sucks. I'm ready for something else.

One of the hardest parts of infertility is that I don't get a break from it. My closest friend at work is 7 months pregnant and pregnancies of friends seemed to be announced weekly. When it's not someone else, it's either 2 weeks of treatment and monitoring where my body could change at a moment's notice, or 2 weeks of waiting where I'm analyzing every twinge and possible symptom. I think, "Just don't think about it and it will happen" is definitely the worst advice. It really is impossible. This does not define me, but it's huge part of my life that I can't escape.

There are no guarantees that at the end of this, I will be pregnant and carry a baby to term. No one has promised me that. If someone could tell me that in 3 months, or 6 months or even another year that this would work it would be a lot easier to persevere. But I don't know that and sometimes I feel like I really can't do this for much longer. There will be better days...I've had many lately. But mixed up in between are some pretty crappy ones. It's just part of the journey I'm on I guess.