The Break Continues

I finally finished my first waiting cycle and am now on to the last before I can start treatment again. Because of vacation plans, I'm skipping this next month as well. We've been talking about this vacation for over a year and finally planned it. When you're in treatment it's hard to make plans as you have to be at the clinic on certain days that are hard to predict in advance. Once I knew this vacation would prevent another cycle I went back and forth about whether or not I still wanted to go. Getting pregnant is a big priority in life, but at the same time I don't want to miss out on life while I'm waiting. I knew I would regret it if I didn't go, so here I am. Hopefully another month drug-free will be good for my body and I'll be more than ready when it's time to start again.

In the last few weeks I've been going to a chiropractor and also getting acupuncture to help my body be in optimal condition for when I start treatment again. My luteal phase was a lot longer this month which I was happy about. I'm not sure if I can credit that to acupuncture or not, but I'm happy that I'm doing it. It's weird to think that tiny needles stuck all over my body can help my fertility, but it's seemed to have helped others. I've been feeling more positive lately and hopeful for the fall. But in the mean time while I continue to play the waiting game, I plan to enjoy my vacation, reconnecting with friends, seeing a beautiful part of the country, quality time with my husband and thinking about this whole process as little as possible.

My friend J...

One of the people I'm thankful for on this journey has been my friend J. We met in an online community almost a year ago and ended up at the same fertility clinic with the same specialist. When we realized we'd be there on the same day we decided to meet. It was nice to put a face to one of the people I'd been chatting with.

J and I were on a very similar path. We both had laparoscopic surgery within a few months of each other, tried Clomid and then moved onto injections and IUI. For several months our cycles actually lined up almost to the day meaning we were at the clinic at the same time and could chat in the waiting room. On my first month of injections J was doing the same and we both ended up being unsuccessful with nothing but a bunch of cysts to show for it. We both took a month off of treatment, both had long cycles while we waited and then were a day apart when we could try again. J and I waited together for our last procedures and she saw me in tears after mine was cancelled. Even though we don't actually see each other often, I feel like we've been through a lot together!

Well, yesterday J had an ultrasound and saw her baby's heartbeat for the first time!!! I came home from vacation in early July to find out that J was pregnant. Although we were hoping we'd get our BFPs together I was thrilled for her! She'd been on this journey for over 2 years and it was her time. It is encouraging to know that someone on such a similar road with identical treatment was finally successful. This DOES work!

So J, thanks for being such a great friend through the last several months. Thanks for continuing to put up with my lengthy emails as I keep working towards my BFP. Few people, if anyone, understands as much as you what this process is like and your support has been invaluable. You already know this but I am SO happy for you! Your success has given me hope that someday, hopefully sooner than later, I will get to hear my baby's heartbeat too! :)

Going Natural

This summer has been about waiting. In terms of treatment there is nothing I will likely be able to do until sometime in September. That has been a huge frustration for me this summer... all this time and energy and I'm forced to wait. On a bad day it feels like it's all very unfair. On a good day I can see how waiting might be a good thing. Especially during my last cycle, my body was put through a lot and could probably use a break.

I've had the book, "The Infertility Cure" on my shelf for almost a year. It was lent to me by a friend but at the time I didn't feel like reading anything else related to infertility, especially about Chinese medicine which I had no interest in. But recently I've read through a few chapters which has led me to look into some natural therapies. I figured I have time, I might as well investigate. So last week I met with a naturopath who focuses on fertility and she suggested acupuncture. I've heard good things about how it can really increase success rates so I've decided to try it. My first session is on Saturday. The best part was when she took my history and told me I would have lots of babies. Depending on her definition of lots, I hope she's right. It gave me hope and at this stage you grab onto anything that will help you keep going.

So while I wait I've decided the only thing I can do is make sure my body is as healthy as it can be when I'm able to start treatment again. Who knows if will make make a difference, but I know it can't hurt and gives me something to focus on in the mean time.

Reflections 2 years in...

It's hard to believe that it's now been 2 years since we started this journey to parenthood. Never in a million years would I have guessed that it would have taken this long. If I had predicted then what life would be like now, it would probably involve running after a one-year old and thinking about #2. But instead I've yet to even get a positive pregnancy test! I was hoping I'd get pregnant right away and be able to tell my family at Thanksgiving ('07). Then Thanksgiving turned into Christmas, Christmas became Easter, Easter became Mother's Day, Father's Day and the cycle continued. I guess I was pretty naive.

The past two years have definitely been the most challenging of my life. Like I've told a few friends, I don't mind having challenges in my life, I'm just ready for a new one. I know people deal with illness, pain, hurt and other issues for a lot longer than that, but this is what I've been given for now and it's been difficult. There's been a lot of tears, a lot of frustration, a lot of disappointment and a lot of waiting. My body and emotions have been through the wringer.

I am a different person then I was 2 years ago. I know a TON more about anything related to getting pregnant. I have met some wonderful people who have struggled with me, many who have been successful and others who have not. I've also, in some ways, become more withdrawn, guarded and self-absorbed... that part I don't like and want to work on. Overall I have a wonderful life... amazing family and friends, a job I love, a supportive and loving husband, to name a few.

As I enter year number 3, I will no longer say with confidence that I think I'll be a mom this time next year... I've learned that my timing is pretty off with this stuff. But I can say that I remain confident that I will be a mom someday. I'm not sure when or how, but I believe it will happen. I know that this next year will bring its share of bad days and disappointments. This whole process gets harder, not easier. I'm curious where I'll be at in a year and I'm not shy in hoping that it involves a baby. But today I choose to be thankful for all that I am blessed with, to do my best to live in the present and enjoy today. A new year brings new possibilities and renewed hope, and today I'm hanging onto that hope.

A Bad Day

In this process I have good days, bad days, and lots of in-between days. Yesterday was a bad day. I don't know what triggers a bad day. Was it meeting a newborn for the first time yesterday? Being surrounded by pregnant women? I'm not sure. But yesterday I felt frustrated.... frustrated that I have so much time on my hands right now and I'm not able to continue with treatment. And because of vacation plans we made in August, I might have to skip another cycle. What's another month or two in this process when you're two years in? The difference is now I don't have the added stress of getting to work on time after my morning appointments. I have more energy to deal with being poked and prodded multiple times a day.

Yesterday was one of those days where the tears came and I wished that for one day, I could have a break from dealing with infertility. It was a day where I questioned why this is taking so long and how I'm supposed to live my life while I wait. It was a day when I wanted to crawl into bed and stay there forever, in hopes that this would all go away. I can't avoid bad days. I don't even want to anymore. I've learned that if I let myself be sad, frustrated and let the tears come, I actually can move faster into a positive place again. Infertility sucks and I don't need to be happy that it's in my life. The key is not letting it take over and ruin it. I'm still learning how to do that, but part of it is embracing the fact that there will be bad days.

Today is a good day. Nothing has really changed from yesterday, but I know that if I tried to fight the sadness and negative emtotions yesterday, I probably wouldn't be feeling as good today.

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My Journey So Far

We've been trying to conceive for about 2 years now. When I meet other people dealing with infertility, I always find it helpful to know what they've gone through (this is probably most helpful for people in that boat). I've gone into quite a bit of detail so read as much as you feel comfortable. I've always included links if you want to know more. Here's a summary of our journey so far for those who are interested...

August 2007 - We started trying to get pregnant
September 2007 - Started tracking my basal body temperature (BBT) every morning
October 2007 - Bled for 30+ days straight. Ultrasound showed nothing wrong. Was put on birth control for 2 months to stop the bleeding
December 2007 - Started trying again
February 2008 - Started taking an herb called Vitex to help me ovulate and shorten my cycles. The first month I took it I had a 27 day cycle where I ovulated, whereas the previous one was 50 days without ovulation. Long, anovulatory cycles are an issue for me if I'm not on medication.
Mar - June 2008 - Continued with Vitex. Some anovulatory cycles. Realized my luteal phase was often too short. Starting taking vitamin B6 to increase it.
July 2008 - Saw my family doctor after trying for a year. Got a referral for a fertility specialist,
but after reading about him and talking to others who had been to him, decided he wasn't a good fit.
August 2008 - Asked for a referral to a new clinic and doctor I chose on my own.
Sept 2008 - First appointment with my fertility specialist, Dr. E. Decided to start Clomid in
October while I did initial tests.
October 2008 - Started Clomid, did the glucose tolerance test to test for Polycsystic Ovarian
Syndrome (PCOS). Tests confirmed I have PCOS.
- Went for a Hysterosalpingography (HSG) test but Dr. E was unable to complete it... my first huge disappointment in this process.
November 2008 - Follow-up appointment with Dr. E. Decided the only way she could
determine if I was healthy inside was to do minor surgery
December 2008 - Had laparoscopic surgery. Dr. E fixed a minor problem and everything else
was healthy and in working order.
Jan - Mar 2009 - Tried 3 months of Clomid. Although I produced 1 to 2 follicles, we weren't
successful. In 2 of the 3 months I was given an HCG shot to trigger ovulation.
April 2009 - Decided to step up treatment. Started taking Puregon, a drug I give myself
through injections each night to produce more follicles. Also started a procedure called IUI.
May 2009 - Developed 4 cysts so forced to take a month off while they go away.
June 2009 - Tried a higher dose of Puregon. IUI was cancelled due to a high number of follicles.
Monitored for OHSS
July 2009 - Developed 12 cysts. Taking another month off to wait for them to go away.

And that brings us to now where we're currently playing the waiting game.