This blog has been about my journey to a BFP. I am happy to announce that on Thanksgiving Day, I found out that I was pregnant. I've now successfully made it through my first trimester. I'm 13 weeks, 4 days, and ready to tell the world! The second half of my news is that we are expecting twins!! After over 2 years of trying, we've been blessed with 2, and I couldn't be happier!
The last few months I haven't felt up to blogging, but hope to get back at it as I'm in a new phase now. I still plan to keep my journey with infertility, private, but this is also a great place to continue to share my thoughts with those of you in the loop... if I still have any readers after almost 2 months off!
This is all still very hard to believe, but I am incredibly thankful that I finally got my BFP!!!!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Waiting
Something you get good at, or at least have to face when trying to get pregnant, is waiting. Waiting to ovulate, waiting for your period to arrive, waiting to get referred to a specialist, waiting for appointments, waiting for results of tests, waiting for surgery, waiting to recovery, waiting for follicles to grow and ultimately waiting for the day when you finally get your BFP. It's hard to be patient, but one thing I've learned and think I've done well at, is to continue to live my life in the waiting. We've been at this for 2 years and I don't want to look back and feel like I wasted those years waiting for something that wasn't happening. So we've tried to live life as normally as possible. Although we were hoping to have a child by now, I like to think of it as bonus time alone with my husband. We happen to like hanging out with each other!
Waiting is hard and can get frustrating. I currently have a bunch of cysts I'm waiting to go away. But luckily I've gotten good at this. I think I'm a pretty patient person. Hopefully that transfers over to parenthood someday!
Waiting is hard and can get frustrating. I currently have a bunch of cysts I'm waiting to go away. But luckily I've gotten good at this. I think I'm a pretty patient person. Hopefully that transfers over to parenthood someday!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
I'm sitting here in tears. I've just learned that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day to remember the loss of little ones, whether they were born or not. To learn more about it, click here. These lives are honoured by lighting a candle at 7pm for an hour. I just lit mine now. I have know several friends who have lost babies through miscarriage, sometimes multiple times. This is not something I've been through but can only imagine how devestating it would be. When I finally get my BFP I don't know what I would do if that happened. But one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and often families grieve in silence. For every one of my friends' stories I know about, I'm sure I there are many more that I don't know about. I went on Youtube to try out more about it, and ended up finding tribute videos people had made for their babies, many who passed away shortly after birth. How devestating. I found myself crying for people I have never met. Tonight I light a candle in honour of the babies who have been lost to several friends. I admire your strength and courage to deal with such a difficult loss.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I'm Tired
I've been doing really well at staying positive and holding myself together the past several weeks. Then last night, I crumbled. My poor husband thought he was about to go to bed, but instead he got a wife who needed to vent and let a few (or many!) tears out. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of watching everyone else around me get what I've wanted for years. I'm tired of trying to be strong and positive. I'm tired of blood tests, injections and ultrasounds. I'm tired of month after month of disappointment. I'm tired of crying. There, I've said it. This sucks. I'm ready for something else.
One of the hardest parts of infertility is that I don't get a break from it. My closest friend at work is 7 months pregnant and pregnancies of friends seemed to be announced weekly. When it's not someone else, it's either 2 weeks of treatment and monitoring where my body could change at a moment's notice, or 2 weeks of waiting where I'm analyzing every twinge and possible symptom. I think, "Just don't think about it and it will happen" is definitely the worst advice. It really is impossible. This does not define me, but it's huge part of my life that I can't escape.
There are no guarantees that at the end of this, I will be pregnant and carry a baby to term. No one has promised me that. If someone could tell me that in 3 months, or 6 months or even another year that this would work it would be a lot easier to persevere. But I don't know that and sometimes I feel like I really can't do this for much longer. There will be better days...I've had many lately. But mixed up in between are some pretty crappy ones. It's just part of the journey I'm on I guess.
One of the hardest parts of infertility is that I don't get a break from it. My closest friend at work is 7 months pregnant and pregnancies of friends seemed to be announced weekly. When it's not someone else, it's either 2 weeks of treatment and monitoring where my body could change at a moment's notice, or 2 weeks of waiting where I'm analyzing every twinge and possible symptom. I think, "Just don't think about it and it will happen" is definitely the worst advice. It really is impossible. This does not define me, but it's huge part of my life that I can't escape.
There are no guarantees that at the end of this, I will be pregnant and carry a baby to term. No one has promised me that. If someone could tell me that in 3 months, or 6 months or even another year that this would work it would be a lot easier to persevere. But I don't know that and sometimes I feel like I really can't do this for much longer. There will be better days...I've had many lately. But mixed up in between are some pretty crappy ones. It's just part of the journey I'm on I guess.
Monday, September 28, 2009
A Day At The Clinic
For many of you experiencing infertility, this is old news. I thought I'd share what a typical visit to my fertility clinic is like during cycle monitoring...
- The clinic opens at 7am and I like to be there by 6:50am to make sure I'm the first there
- The first step is to get blood taken... pretty standard stuff.
- Then it's off to ultrasound. There is a wonderful receptionist at my clinic who often lets me sneak in first even if my appointment time is later. Getting to work on time is a huge potential stress for me and this really helps. The ultrasound is the not-so-fun internal kind and can take anywhere from 2 to 20 minutes depending on what's happening inside. The goal of fertility drugs is to produce more follicles (eggs) to increase chances, so the ultrasound is to measure the quantity and size of follicles as well as how thick the lining of your uterus is. It always amazes me that they can track these things so closely.
- After that you wait for a nurse who will review your progress and then wait for a doctor who essentially does the same. They also make decisions based on bloodwork. I'll often get a phone call later in the day when my results are in with doctors orders to change my dose of drugs for the night.
I have a love/hate relationship with my clinic. It is large and many women are herded through each day. There is a different doctor on call each day so various people are making decisions on your protocol. I only ever see my specialist at specific appointments. Each doctor is different with a slightly different philosophy and of course, they make mistakes. I have to remember they are human. The good thing in my specialist often calls in to check in on her patients and ultimately makes the decisions when she can. It is comforting to see so many other women struggling to get pregnant and sometimes I see someone who makes me feel young... it's amazing who's trying to have a baby out there. My naturopath told me she just helped a 48 year-old woman conceive.
It's very draining to have to go in day after day. Some days are discouraging... too many follicles, too few follicles, follicles that aren't growing, follicles that have turned into cysts, cancelled treatment because things aren't going well. You can go in expecting one thing and find out that in only 24 hours, your body has done something completely different. It's hard to wake up early only to start your day with needles and wands that feel quite invasive. But overall, I am very thankful for a great clinic with doctors who know what they're doing. It's not perfect but I know without the treatment I'd be at a dead end.
- The clinic opens at 7am and I like to be there by 6:50am to make sure I'm the first there
- The first step is to get blood taken... pretty standard stuff.
- Then it's off to ultrasound. There is a wonderful receptionist at my clinic who often lets me sneak in first even if my appointment time is later. Getting to work on time is a huge potential stress for me and this really helps. The ultrasound is the not-so-fun internal kind and can take anywhere from 2 to 20 minutes depending on what's happening inside. The goal of fertility drugs is to produce more follicles (eggs) to increase chances, so the ultrasound is to measure the quantity and size of follicles as well as how thick the lining of your uterus is. It always amazes me that they can track these things so closely.
- After that you wait for a nurse who will review your progress and then wait for a doctor who essentially does the same. They also make decisions based on bloodwork. I'll often get a phone call later in the day when my results are in with doctors orders to change my dose of drugs for the night.
I have a love/hate relationship with my clinic. It is large and many women are herded through each day. There is a different doctor on call each day so various people are making decisions on your protocol. I only ever see my specialist at specific appointments. Each doctor is different with a slightly different philosophy and of course, they make mistakes. I have to remember they are human. The good thing in my specialist often calls in to check in on her patients and ultimately makes the decisions when she can. It is comforting to see so many other women struggling to get pregnant and sometimes I see someone who makes me feel young... it's amazing who's trying to have a baby out there. My naturopath told me she just helped a 48 year-old woman conceive.
It's very draining to have to go in day after day. Some days are discouraging... too many follicles, too few follicles, follicles that aren't growing, follicles that have turned into cysts, cancelled treatment because things aren't going well. You can go in expecting one thing and find out that in only 24 hours, your body has done something completely different. It's hard to wake up early only to start your day with needles and wands that feel quite invasive. But overall, I am very thankful for a great clinic with doctors who know what they're doing. It's not perfect but I know without the treatment I'd be at a dead end.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Here We Go Again!
It's been over two months since I've stepped in my fertility clinic. Unfortunately, that ended today. I was hoping for a 'natural' miracle during our break but it didn't happen. I have to say the break was good. I'm thankful for the time off and my body is ready to go again. But every month that doesn't work, including ones where I'm not on treatment, is still sad and difficult to deal with. I've been working hard at staying positive and hopeful but today I wasn't feeling that way. As I was in the car, approaching the clinic, I started to feel emotional. I am incredibly grateful for an excellent specialist and clinic, but I'd still prefer to be done with it. When I got home, I called my husband in tears. While I've been doing well the past few months, today was a reminder that we probably won't conceive without help. I'm thankful that help is there and I'm ready to take it again, but it's always hard accepting that.
So we're back. Tomorrow I start my injections and we'll see how it goes. My plan is to try the same treatment for 3 more cycles, which could take up to 6 months if I end up with cysts at the end of each month like I have in the past. Overall, I do feel quite hopeful that my time is coming. My goal is to stay as stress-free as possible and continue to have faith that it will happen. Now that the tears are out, I'm ready. Let's do this!
So we're back. Tomorrow I start my injections and we'll see how it goes. My plan is to try the same treatment for 3 more cycles, which could take up to 6 months if I end up with cysts at the end of each month like I have in the past. Overall, I do feel quite hopeful that my time is coming. My goal is to stay as stress-free as possible and continue to have faith that it will happen. Now that the tears are out, I'm ready. Let's do this!
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Right Decision
In my last post I wrote about the decision to skip another treatment cycle to go on a vacation we had planned for awhile. I can say one hundred percent that we made the right decision. Besides tracking my temperature and talking to a few friends about our journey, I really didn't think much about this whole process we've been going through. It was a nice break. I had a wonderful time reconnecting with some friends I hadn't seen in awhile, saw a beautiful part of the country and enjoyed a ton of quality time with my husband. I couldn't have asked for a better vacation or a better summer.
I really struggled at the beginning of the summer with not being able to do treatment, but looking back, I think I made the most of it. I had so many great experiences that I couldn't have had if I was forced to be at home for appointments at the clinic. I also really think that acupuncture is helping my body get back to normal... whatever normal is for me. I'm not exactly sure when I'll be going back on the treatment train, but I'm ready when it happens. I know I can look back on the summer of 2009 as one with a ton of great memories that I'm thankful for. Would I rather have had a baby or been pregnant this summer? The honest answer is yes. But that's not the way life turned out. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole "making the most of where you're at" thing... a lesson I'm sure I'll be learning for the rest of my life. Someone just needs to remind me of that when I'm back to being poked and prodded soon! :)
I really struggled at the beginning of the summer with not being able to do treatment, but looking back, I think I made the most of it. I had so many great experiences that I couldn't have had if I was forced to be at home for appointments at the clinic. I also really think that acupuncture is helping my body get back to normal... whatever normal is for me. I'm not exactly sure when I'll be going back on the treatment train, but I'm ready when it happens. I know I can look back on the summer of 2009 as one with a ton of great memories that I'm thankful for. Would I rather have had a baby or been pregnant this summer? The honest answer is yes. But that's not the way life turned out. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole "making the most of where you're at" thing... a lesson I'm sure I'll be learning for the rest of my life. Someone just needs to remind me of that when I'm back to being poked and prodded soon! :)
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